How I Wish....

Oh, how I wish life were simpler than it is.

I say this about an hour after getting my car jimmied having locked the keys in the ignition. Fortunately I have a friend who works in the establishment I was stuck in front of, so I had a dry place to wait for the tow truck. Life wouldn't be so complicated if we didn't have to lock our doors.

Often I have complaints about people that result in others telling me to cut them from my life. And admittedly, life would be simpler to just cut people out of my life, but life isn't really that simple. It's complicated. And I'm a complicated enough person that just dismissing someone from my life isn't really an option. Perhaps that's a flaw on my part.

I have, admittedly, been down as of late. And some people equate this trait solely to my financial situation, which is an oversimplification. Trust me, I WISH it were that simple. But as things often are, it's not that simple. My frustration stems from more than just the money I don't have in my account. But life wouldn't be so complicated if it were ever just one thing bothering me. Hell, life wouldn't be so complicated if we didn't have to use money for things, either, but that's beside the point.

I hate feeding Mammon under the table while trying repeatedly to convince God that He's number one.

Just finished a chapter in The Once and Future King that details Arthur's childhood, and that in those days, astonishingly, the weather behaved itself. It was exactly as it was supposed to be. Life wouldn't be so complicated if you could predict the weather, and it only rained when you were asleep. Perhaps that's why my mind is stuck on these sort of things.

I hate complication, and yet at the same time, I embrace it as life's necessity. Life is itself complicated. It's not simple. You don't have to look any further than our biology to see that. We are complicated beings, biologically, so it would make sense that whatever life could stem from such beings would be just as complicated.

I don't like both loving and hating a person. I don't like the feeling of not really wanting to talk to someone while at the same time being terrified to lose them altogether. There's a reason they call it being "torn."

I like sad songs. Well, I like well-written sad songs. They actually make me happy. Perhaps it's the idea that I'm not alone in my dissatisfaction, perhaps it's that there's an underlying strength beneath them that empowers me in life. But I like that sort of thing. Sad songs.

And that's complication in and of itself, strength in weakness, power in helplessness. A song that I repeatedly refer to as my "power anthem" is about weakness. The singer makes a declaration of his intent to stand up and be strong, and yet shortly thereafter admits need, the need for help, the acceptance of the fact that he CANNOT do it on his own. I like that.

I've often felt like I've been run dry, and perhaps I have. But I'll survive. I'll get through it. This is not a wall, it is merely a speed-bump, even though it may seem that way, given our ability to complicate things. I'm great at making mountains out of molehills and blowing up a minor setback into a huge attack.

And I hate that complication. Life would be so much simpler without complication.