Hell is Other People

Yeah... no kidding...

I find myself frequently disappointed in people. Many people. A lot of the time.

And it's not because I hate people, no far from it. It's because they seem to hate me.

The common denominator in all your failed relationships, despite any protest to the contrary, is you. You can factor in all kinds of defensive little explanations, little things the other person did that drove you away, or at the very least drove the two of you apart, even cop to some small, insignificant piece of evidence that would--MAYBE--explain one failure or two, but when it comes down to it, the only thing that every relationship you have has in common... is you.

I can't help but feel at times like I seem to be the one pouring the most into many of my friendships--driving time/monetary expense, effort at making a get-together happen, blah blah blah. I know that, a lot of the time, it's mere convenience for my friends that I be the one to visit them rather than them visit me, and since they're my friends I'm happy to oblige, but I do often feel like, were the tables turned, anyone that I would want to put in the time/effort to make a visit to me happen wouldn't bother. For whatever reason, I can't be entirely sure. "You never know just how you look through other people's eyes."

But I do often wonder if it's because of me. Am I the one that has to make the effort because, on the other side of things, I'm the undesirable one, and whomever I would be visiting is simply humoring me when I visit them? Am I not worth whatever small effort would have to be put in to, say, make a cup of coffee happen, or a nice stroll around a park, or even something more formal than that? Is the problem with me, rather than with everyone else? The common denominator in all your failed relationships is you, after all...

Perhaps my expectations are too high. I've ranted and raved about people placing expectations on me that I don't feel are warranted or deserved, thus I know how it feels to have someone else put an expectation on you, so am I just expecting too much of my friends? Or, perhaps I should term it, these acquaintances that moonlight as friends, or are just friends in name only?

Meanwhile, days turn into weeks and time becomes infinitely more precious as it slips away. I have one less day than I did yesterday. It's 24 hours that I'll never get back, ever. How much of it was wasted on trying to acquaint with people who weren't worth my time to begin with? How much of it was saved by them not acquainting themselves with me? I can't tell you or anyone how long I have left, and it could be that I'm wasting my precious few hours left on Earth trying to force something to happen that won't.

And do I really want to hear the truth? Do I want to face the harsh reality that, yes, I am hardly worth the time of my friends because of X-Y-Z and they're better off ignoring every advance that I make toward them?

Am I just being paranoid?

Do I need new friends?

Will I ever have any?

Can you hear me?

...Is there anybody alive out there?...